Becca and Zach's Infertility Story

My husband, Zach and I have always wanted children.  We were both raised in happy homes with what I would call exemplary parents.  As I have become an adult, I have developed the deepest gratitude for my Mother(s) and Father.  From them I learned to be hardworking, honest, independent, selfless, and loving.  My heart is filled with joy and admiration when I think about their love, hard work, sacrifice, patience, and examples as I have been molded and shaped into the person that I am.  I hope to be as big of an influence as my parents were to me in teaching those same principles to my nieces, nephews, other youth and hopefully my own children someday.

                  Zach and I were married in May of 2008 and two years later we began our journey to start our own little family.  In the spring of 2011, after almost a year of no luck, Zach and I had some initial testing done to see if there was some sort of infertility.  After all, we’d never thought it would be so hard to conceive.  Little did we know what kind of adventure we were about to embark upon.  Right off the bat, Zach’s sperm had tested poor motility and morphology.  His Urologist put him on a medication therapy in the hopes that in 6 months’ time we may see a change, and we did!  At that point we were cleared to do IUI’s.  When preparing for our third IUI the ultrasound tech noticed a polyp in my uterus.  Without hesitation a surgery was scheduled a week or two later to remove it.  About this time, we received the results of another semen analysis, and to our disappointment the medication had lost its luster.  His sperm were no longer within the parameters of what was recommended for an IUI.  We were told the next step was IVF.

                  We were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  After a consultation with her we were refreshed and hopeful as we learned more about ICSI and the amazing advances in technology and medicine to make such things possible.  I feel so blessed to live in this day and age.  Zach and I decided that this was the best route to take.  My R.E. asked that I do a water ultrasound so that she could get a good look at my uterine cavity.  She also did a follicle count to know what to expect in the coming round of ICSI.  At this time, I learned that I might have a Low Ovarian Reserve in comparison to those in my age group.  My R.E.  didn’t seem to worry about this revelation so neither did I with a limited understanding of what it really meant. 

Fast forward two months later to November 2012 and we were ready for IVF with ICSI.  The process began by stimulating my ovaries to produce several follicles through a series of hormones and medications administered through abdominal injections.  If you were to look at my stomach after the last shot was given in this series, it would look black and blue from all the injection sites.  I had to do those myself, as Zach wasn’t usually home when I needed to administer them.  Ouch is right!  That was something I never got used to.  Ultrasounds and blood work were done on a regular basis to monitor the follicular development.  Once the follicles reach maturity in the ovaries, an HCG trigger shot in the abdomen was done so that they would then be released from the ovary walls in preparation for ovulation.  The doctor went through the uterus and surgically removed the follicles from the ovaries with a special needle through ultrasound guidance while under anesthesia.  Recovery was awful the first go around, my ovaries were definitely not happy.  After this procedure was complete, they inserted Zach’s sperm into each egg hoping for a fertilized embryo.  Once an embryo reaches a certain stage it is then carefully put back into the uterus in hopes that it will attach to the lining.   On average, someone my age would have 15-20 follicles/eggs.  After the retrieval I had seven eggs.  Of these, six eggs had matured and three had fertilized.  Two were transferred back into my uterus on a day 3 transfer. 

ANNNDD there we were; the painful two week wait. I had to continue to take hormones until a pregnancy was either confirmed positive or negative.  Sometimes those medications can cause symptoms that are similar to those like pregnancy, so it was hard to tell.  Leading up to results day I kind of had a feeling that the procedure didn’t work.  My intuition was right; words cannot describe my heartache…. our heartache.  It was like mourning for something we were so close to accomplishing yet still so far from achieving.  We were sad and disappointed but still eager to fight for our dreams.  I think Heavenly Father was gracious to bless me with an optimistic heart.  The last embryo didn’t survive and we were left with nothing to freeze for future use.  If we chose to repeat this process again, it would have to be from square one.  At the close of this ICSI cycle round we reviewed the outcome with our R.E.  My body didn’t seem to respond to the hormone stimulation because of my low ovarian reserve.  This hadn’t been seriously discussed with her until now.  I then learned the seriousness of having an abnormally low egg count for my age.  We talked about other options. Zach and I weren’t sure what we should do. 

When looking for a second opinion, a cousin of mine referred us to Dr. David Richards in Utah which lead us to his partner Dr. Marrs, a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He seemed to have a different approach and more experience that catered well to our infertility needs.  He felt that with the right meds and letting the body naturally do the work, that could make a difference and give us a better shot.  He was confident but very honest.  We could be successful but it was going to be a tough road to take and obviously there was no guarantee.  November 2013 we began our second round of IVF with ICSI.  Dr. Marrs did every single ultrasound and prescribed my meds and hormones based on those ultrasound findings.  This cycle seemed to be going very well and he seemed pleased every time I met with him.   I absolutely loved Dr. Marrs and would recommend him to anyone.  At the retrieval we had nine eggs, this was an improvement from last time!  Five of those eggs matured, in which four fertilized.  Both the grade and quality of these embryos were much higher in this second round of ICSI.  Three eggs were transferred.  Two of the three eggs were of excellent quality.  We reached the point of the dreadful 2 week wait again.  This whole cycle I had felt at peace and was willing to accept whichever outcome came.  The day of my blood draw determining the outcome, caused much anxiety. I was on the verge of tears all day and scared to relive the same results I had received the year before.  Kathleen, one of the Physician Assistants in the clinic that I work for and also a good friend, came in on her day off with news of the results.  She seemed slightly nervous as she took me back into one of the exam rooms where Lori, a close friend and Ultrasound tech at the clinic there, waited.  I couldn’t believe what I just heard.  Not again…….my heart sank and I started to cry.  Kathleen and Lori cried with me.  No matter how much I thought I was prepared to possibly hear “You’re not Pregnant”, turned out to be a false feeling.  I was wrong.  All the preparation in the world could not have made this day any easier.  Thinking about this scenario still makes me feel awful.  After consoling and many words of encouragement, I left work early that afternoon.  I probably have never cried as much as I did that day.  Zach came home after work and brought Café Rio, my favorite.  We talked and he listened and comforted me as it was also hard for him as well.

I’ve never felt so low. Were we meant to be parents? Are there any sweet little spirit children waiting to come down to be a part of our family?  None of these thoughts were true, NOT ONE bit, however that’s what ran through my head.  I now recognize that it was Satan pushing me down into despair because I let him.  The serious trials I have overcome in the past didn’t compare to this.  I had sweet friends call me to give comforting words or drop off yummy desserts to show their love.  This was a hard weekend.  I don’t feel that I lacked hope or faith; I was just utterly confused, weary and sad.  Infertility can be exhausting physically, mentally, and financially.  It’s truly a constant roller coaster of twists, turns, detours, jolts of acceleration and abrupt stops.  I hated feeling the way that I did, this wasn’t me, but I felt so deep under water. That Sunday was the LDS Christmas Devotional Broadcast from Salt Lake.  Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a simple but powerful talk, “Jesus the Christ-Our Prince of Peace.”  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  I think it was written for me.  At that time my heart was overflowing with the spirit and the Savior’s love and I knew that I needed to lay my pains at his feet.  The Lord said, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) I needed to relinquish the hurt and trust in him.  He has been there for me all along and he knew the sorrows in my heart.  What I was going through, the Savior had already felt himself.  I knew that the trial itself wasn’t going to get any easier, but the power to get through it would be increased.  After all, how are we going to learn and grow if we aren’t challenged, even if the task seems impossible.  I definitely think this is a testament of God’s love.  We can do hard things!  I believe this with all of my heart.

It has now been 6 years as we have earnestly tried achieving what we would perceive as such a sweet miracle.  In 2014 we decided to focus on student loan debt and applying for a grant through Pay It Forward Fertility Foundation.  It was an extensive process getting an application together.  After a couple months of waiting, we found out we were not chosen as one of the lucky few out of 100 other couples who would be receiving grant money.  No set back here, we had nothing to lose in the first place.  After such an intense application process that required us to relive past feelings and open up about our journey, I realized how truly blessed we were.  Most couples hit road blocks when it comes to financing infertility.  Some don’t even get the opportunity to even do these costly procedures.  In reflection of our journey I can't help to feel so incredibly grateful to have been able to do all that we've done and how close we have become. Never once have I regretted or felt like it was all a waste of money or time. We have been very blessed and lucky not to have gone into debt for our efforts.  We realize that many couples do have to take out personal loans for the same reasons and have nothing to show for that BIG negative balance they have to pay off.

 Our dreams of becoming parents have not been achieved, but we have gone leaps and bounds and have gotten sooo close.  Even in uncertainty, I know that everything will be okay.  My heart is full, and my empathy for others has grown in a way that I could have been so oblivious to before.  This journey has been both a blessing and a heartache.  It has truly given us the opportunity to learn and grow, and has reminded us of all that we’ve been blessed with even through these hardships.  I am again reminded of the importance of family relationships as Zach and I could not have done this without them.  They have been a support to us in so many ways and more than they could possibly know.  I know my journey in life is unfolding exactly as it should be and even though it has been hard at times, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My IVF Medication and Shot Experience

The day our medications finally arrived, I experienced so much excitement. We had been trying for so long to become pregnant and it finally felt like we were able to do SOMETHING to increase our chances of achieving that goal. You see, after experiencing month after month of not becoming pregnant, at some point, intercourse kind of started to seem pointless and ineffective. So, as you can imagine, we were so excited to actually be doing something a little more beneficial!

Some of our medications had to be put into the refrigerator right away, so we had to be there when the package arrived. By the way, when people say the box is rather large, they aren’t kidding.

This is me with all my medications laid out the day they arrived. It looks like a lot, which can be a bit overwhelming, but you don't start them all at once! Our clinic also provided us with a color coded calendar to help us keep track of what we should be taking each day, which was a life saver.

My mom and sisters came over that day and we spent some time checking out the medications, making sure they had all arrived, finding the ones we needed first, and thoroughly assessing the size of each needle, as that was one of my main concerns. I had spent a lot of time researching what the shots were like and how they felt since that was one of the things that I was pretty worried about.

My Medication Regime and Injection Experience:

The first day that we began our IVF round I began taking baby aspirin, an antibiotic, and birth control (which I had already been on since three days after my last period). My husband was also prescribed an antibiotic in order to ensure that we were both as healthy as possible throughout the whole process! Fortunately, I do not experience any significant side effects of “craziness” when taking birth control so I felt fine and normal on these medications.

In addition to the above listed medications, I also had to do daily injections. For these, I would squeeze my husband’s hand to death, stare at a picture of my baby niece (for inspiration!), and pray as my mom or friend administered my shots every morning. (I was not one of those people that could give them to myself. Hats off to you brave souls out there!)

   

This is the Lupron injection, which was my very first injection. I had to do this one every morning until the day of egg retrieval. This injection had to be administered subcutaneously (into my belly).

The needle for my Lupron shot was pretty small. When the needle went into my belly there was a little sting, but it was not as intense as getting a shot in your arm. The medication itself did not really sting at all going in. Sometimes there was a little blood or a bruise that formed at the injection site, but overall this was the easiest of the injections.

After fifteen days of the Lupron injection, I also began taking Menopur and Gonal-f.

This is a photo of the Menopur. Each morning these two containers had to be mixed.

This is a photo of the Gonal-f. This the one that had to be refrigerated. It was the easiest of the injections to prepare as we just had to turn the dial to the dosage level and it was ready to go.

We were able to mix the Menopur and Gonal-f into one syringe. That way I only had to do two shots each morning rather than three. Yay for that! Like the Lupron they had to be injected subcutaneously. With this one, the liquid was a little thicker and honestly did sting going in. I believe that it was the Gonal-f that really made it sting. (Toward the end there was a day that I only had to do the Menopur and no Gonal-f and it felt similar to the Lupron). Overall, it was my least favorite of all the injections.  

After another ten days, I finally got the phone call that it was time to trigger ovulation!

This is a photo of my trigger shot. I was prescribed Ovidrel and it also had to be injected into my stomach. Overall, it was pretty similar to the Lupron, a small sting, but nothing overly significant. Plus, it was a little easier to do as it was my last shot and it meant egg retrieval was coming!

Additional Tips and Tricks:

These are just a couple of things that helped me get through the shots each morning:

1. We went back and forth each day on the side of my stomach to insert the injection and made sure to avoid bruised areas as much as possible.
2. We were told that the closer the injection is to the belly button, the more you can feel it. Therefore, we tried to stay farther to the sides when possible.
3. I liked to watch the shot go in. That way when there was a slight sting I was prepared for it and expecting it to come.

-Shauni

So How Much Do Fertility Treatment Options Actually Cost?

After getting diagnosed with infertility, I was dying to know exactly how much money it was all going to cost so I could start saving and preparing right away! I found that it really is hard to get exact numbers as treatment cycles and adoption fees vary based on each individual circumstance. Therefore, below lists the average range of prices in Idaho for each treatment option.

All of the prices below were derived from talking to and visiting the websites of local adoption, surrogacy, and fertility clinics. The prices include all the components of each cycle (treatment, medications, ultrasounds, blood draws etc.) and all components of a full adoption or surrogacy experience.

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI):

• IUI: $2,000-$2,500

In Vitro Fertilization (IVF):

• IVF: $15,000-$18,000

• IVF with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI): $15,000-$19,000

• IVF with Anonymous Ovum Donor (Egg Donor): $23,000-$26,000

• IVF with Anonymous Ovum Donor and Gestational Carrier (Surrogate): $24,000- $29,000

*If Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis or Preimplantation Genetic Screening is required, there is an additional cost of approximately $5,000.*

• Frozen Embryo Transfer: $3,500-$5,000

Surrogacy

• Traditional Surrogate or Gestational Carrier: $20,000-40,000
• Agency Fees: $6,000-$12,000
• Legal Costs: $3,000-$5,000

Adoption:

Adoption: $15,000-25,000After getting diagnose with infertility, I was dying to know exactly how much money it was all going to cost so I could start saving and preparing right away! I found that it really is hard to get exact numbers as treatment cycles and adoption fees vary based on each individual circumstance. Therefore, below lists the average range of prices in Idaho for each treatment option.

All of the prices below were derived from talking to and visiting the websites of local adoption, surrogacy, and fertility clinics. The prices include all the components of each cycle (treatment, medications, ultrasounds, blood draws etc.) and all components of a full adoption or surrogacy experience.

-Shauni

The Book You Should Read Right Now

Early in my husband and I’s journey to get pregnant, months before we knew I had Endometriosis, I was having some irregularities in my cycle that left me feeling concerned about getting pregnant. Although it had only been a few months of trying, I was worried that something was broken, a feeling I believe many couples experience when trying for a baby, even couples who don’t deal with any infertility issues. So one day I was expressing my concerns to my sister in law who suggested I read this book called “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”. She said that it had lots of valuable information in it and that if there was a problem with my cycle it would point it out. So I borrowed the book from her and read it cover to cover (despite it being fairly large in size) and what I learned from it blew my mind and I couldn't help but ask “why was I never taught this?” and “why isn’t this a book that is used in high school health classes?” The information I learned was so beneficial to me in my journey of having a baby and now I refer to it as the Infertility Bible.

Here are a few things it covers:

• Awareness about Fertility
• Your Reproductive Anatomy
• Making Sense of your Menstrual Cycle
• Three Primary Fertility Signs
• Charting Your Fertility Signs (ever heard of temperature tracking but not have a clue how to do it?)
• Anovulation
• Natural Birth Control
• Maximizing your chances of getting pregnant
• Tests and Treatments that may be necessary to get pregnant

Seriously this book covers it all. If you aren’t a heavy reader then pick and choose the chapters that apply to you and just read those. I truly believe that being educated is one of the first steps you can take to getting pregnant and this book is a great source to educate yourself about your body and what it should and shouldn’t be doing each month. Believe it or not it’s not as simple as you might think!

-Kamryn

Kayla and Rex's Infertility Journey

I was the little girl that asked for baby dolls every single Christmas until most would have considered me too old. I have always loved children and knew that I wanted some of my own. As I grew up I could always predict what the next step would be. I graduated high school, went to college, got married and fully expected to take the next step into starting my family as smoothly as all the other life steps.  When we had been married for about a year and we were nearly done with college, we decided it was time to start building our family. I went off birth control six months prior to when we actually started trying because I heard it could take a while to get out of your system and I wanted my body to be fully ready when we started to try. I did not want it to take long. I am the kind of girl who figures out what she wants and takes every little step to make sure it happens.  We were finishing college with internships and student teaching and we were sure our parenthood induction was waiting just around the corner. Six months passed and we were getting ready to move. I decided before we moved that I should have a quick visit with my doctor just to check if everything was okay.  She ran the typical pre-conception tests.  The results came and there were no real signs of a problem. The doctor told us everything looked fine and we should just keep trying. I had just accepted a job as a 2^nd grade teacher and we moved back to the Boise area.

By the time we had been trying for a year, I was starting to get frustrated.  Through research, I found that the next best step would be to have my husband, Rex, evaluated. He had a semen analysis and it came back that he had low motility (swimmers are slow). Rex’s doctor then referred us to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist), a label we would become very familiar with over the next few years. Rather than being upset with the referral we were hopeful and excited because there was a problem to be solved.

Everything with fertility is a waiting game. It took a few months but we finally had our fist consult with the RE. I was surprised at how busy the office was. It was filled with people who were obviously trying to have children just like us. For once in this trial I didn’t feel as alone. Infertility is very rarely talked about and when it is, you seem to always be getting advice from people who pop children out left and right without any trouble. Our first appointment was overwhelming to say the least. The doctor spoke in big terms about all the possible scenarios. I completed the tests and work ups throughout that week driving back and forth from school to the doctor which was a 45 minute drive. They put Rex on some vitamins to improve motility. My test results came back with no apparent problems and within a few months the vitamins had increased Rex’s motility to acceptable parameters. With this news we were now eligible to do our first medicated Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The doctor was sure it would work because my egg quality was great and I was only 22 with no known problems. I was hopeful and positive but we soon found that the IUI had failed. We went on to try two more IUI’s all in consecutive months. We received news that our last IUI had failed during my last week of school. I got the phone call in the middle of class and had to wait until my students went to recess to check it.  Those were always terrible phone calls to receive. I would go in for a blood test in the morning and then wait anxiously all day until about 5:00pm for them to call me with the results.  This time the message came with another bit of news. The doctor said that after three tries the chances of IUI working decrease dramatically so we needed to meet and talk about other options. We met with her and she told us her thoughts. She had a slight suspicion that I could have endometriosis and Rex was having inconsistent sperm samples. The options were surgery to see if I had endometriosis or Invitro Fertilization (IVF). The Doctor strongly recommended the IVF route. She said that, even if I had endometriosis, IVF would override any problems that endometriosis might be causing so the surgery wouldn’t do much. The only thing surgery might do is give us a diagnosis. Rex had to go to work and I sat through the IVF financial consult by myself.  It was terrible being there all alone and hearing that our dreams of having a baby would not come without $10,000 or more and a lot of paperwork.

                  After receiving all this information, we still felt that IVF was not for us yet. So I started researching. If I was going to do IVF in the future then I would at least like to know if endometriosis was my reason for having to do it. Side note: Endometriosis can only be confirmed through a surgery called laparoscopy. Almost everything I researched led me to believe the surgery was not a big deal. Torn between my research and what my doctor had said I decided to get a second opinion. The doctor had also encouraged us to continue with a few more IUI’s while we made our decision but I was sick of being pumped with hormones, stuck with needles, being on an emotional rollercoaster, and we were out of money. All of our treatments had to be paid for up front and without insurance and it had been several thousand dollars each month. So we decided to just take a break from treatments for the summer and explore our options. During this time, Rex also worked for the airport part time and we got to fly for free We took a few trips to the Oregon Coast, Seattle, and Hawaii. Hawaii was perfect for us to relax from all our worries and just have a good time together.  I had to get a referral to go to the Endometriosis Doctor for a second opinion so it took a while to get in.  The doctor was very confident and I felt totally comfortable with everything he was saying.  He told me that the surgery was a great option before we spent thousands of dollars on IVF and that he had done the procedure many times and had seen great results. We were excited. We had a new plan and we had direction. I was to call the office as soon as my next cycle started and they would get me in for a laparoscopic surgery. Lucky for us my cycle is always right on time. During my wait for my next cycle, I had a dream that I gave birth to a sweet baby boy. The dream was very vivid and when I woke up I was so happy I could hardly stand it. From that point on, I was sure the surgery would work and we would get pregnant on our own. I finally had my surgery and they found stage 2 endometriosis. It was mild and they removed it. The doctor did not think it was significant enough to be causing all our problems but he still encouraged us to try on our own for six months because there was always a possibility that this was causing the problem. Recovery didn’t take long and that was good because two weeks later I started my second year of teaching second grade. Emotionally we were starting to struggle. We had put so much time, effort, and money into trying to start a family and nothing was working.  We could not even think about doing IVF because it would cost well over $10,000. 

During our wait Rex got a new job. This was exactly the job he wanted and was right in the field he had studied in college not to mention we found out that his new insurance would cover infertility. Seriously, there are barely any insurance companies in the United States that cover infertility. They would cover six IUI cycles in a lifetime and two IVF attempts. This was truly the best news. This would not make our treatments free, but would certainly make them more affordable. Things were finally falling into place. It had already been almost 6 months since my laparoscopy and we had not seen results. Our next step after two years of trying, three IUIs, and a laparoscopy was IVF. We immediately got started. I went in for our IVF consultation. It was very overwhelming but very exciting at the same time. I was so nervous to start because this meant I would have doctors’ appointments every day until egg retrieval. I also had to work. I would go to my appointments in the morning and teach in the afternoons. Egg retrieval came quickly because my body had responded so well to the medication. They retrieved nineteen eggs.  The next day there were eleven mature and eight had fertilized. The next call came and only seven were still mature and we only really had three that would for sure be good for a five-day embryo transfer.  I asked if this was a rapid rate at which the embryos decreased and the nurse said it was slightly unusual. I then asked if we needed to do a three-day transfer and she said no a five-day was still very much the plan since I had three eggs that were making optimal development and four that could possibly catch up. A few days later it was transfer day. I left school early to be at the doctor’s office at 1:00 for the transfer. As soon as I got in the car, I saw that I had barely missed a call from the doctor. I quickly listened to the voicemail she had left and felt my heart sink when I heard they had discovered something and I needed to call as soon as I could. I called them right back and they informed me that none of the embryos had made it. The embryos had not developed anymore after day three. I immediately started bawling.  I was in shock. I was driving to my embryo transfer and I had just been notified that they all died. I called Rex and told him that it didn’t work and we have nothing to transfer. Hearing those words come out of my mouth broke my heart. I went back in my mind to the weeks previous. I replayed all of the scenarios, both the good and the bad. This was not one scenario I ever anticipated. I had 19 eggs and now all of them had died off. We did not have anything to transfer. We drove to the doctor’s so she could try to piece together what had happened. We sat in the waiting room not talking, just sitting and thinking about how this happened.

                  In one years’ time we had done three IUI’s, one laparoscopy, and one IVF cycle, all failures. The doctor proceeded to tell us that the only explanation for the embryos was that they grew too quickly because my body responded so well to the meds and that affected the quality. She was not sure this was the case but other than that it just seemed like a really unfortunate fluke. She encouraged us and remained optimistic. The appointment ended with pictures of our embryos and their progress before they arrested. Before we left, the Doctor said, “Call whenever you are ready to try again and I hope it is soon.” I was so overwhelmed with the thought of trying again. I had already missed so much work and not to mention my body had been through so much in the last year. Pumping more hormones in seemed like the worst idea. I was ready to take a break both physically and mentally. It was almost Christmas and I had barely even taken time to enjoy the season.  Our rental house contract was almost up and we needed to focus on finding a house to buy. House hunting would be a fun adventure to distract us. So we spent the next few months house hunting and trying to forget about our fertility worries. However, when it is something you want more than anything in the world, then there is no way you go even a day without thinking about it but we gave it a valiant effort.

A few months passed and we had bought a house and we were now ready to return back to our journey of starting a family. I sat across from the doctor and rehashed what had happened in the last IVF cycle. It had been almost six months since our first IVF. I was optimistic and we chose to begin as soon as I went on summer break. I decided to try acupuncture along with this new cycle. A friend had recommended it to me and I thought it would be good to try.  Things looked better than the previous time from the start. My body loves the medicine so it does not take much to get my follicles stimulated. We retrieved twenty-one eggs and eighteen fertilized. The doctor was optimistic and she told us she would like us to do a day five transfer because things were looking so much better. The doctor called with an update on day three, I had twelve grade “A” embryos. We were in route for a day five transfer. I pushed for a day three transfer because last time our embryos looked fine on day three but arrested by day five. The doctor was confident this would not be the case again. I got off the phone and told Rex the news. After much deliberation, we finally came to the conclusion that with 12 good embryos, even if we did a three-day transfer, there was bound to be some leftover to freeze if the day three transfer didn’t work. The day three transfer would give us piece of mind that we did all we could in case we were in the same scenario as last time where all embryos arrested. If we did a day three we would at least have a few back in the womb where they belong and we would never have to wonder what if we had transferred sooner. I called the doctor and told her that we would be doing a day three transfer. The doctor was not too thrilled that we were going against her better judgement. To be honest, I wasn’t sure why we were either. We had a qualified doctor advising us of one thing and we were going to do another. However, through this whole journey I have learned that sometimes you have to be your own advocate. Sometimes you have to add your knowledge to what the doctors are saying.

 The transfer was over within minutes.  We were so excited to have made it to this point. Last time we had been robbed of a transfer. Now it was time for the two week wait. I tried my best to take it easy and not think about it all too much. On day five, I got a call that seemed to confirm our decision of the three-day transfer. We learned that not a single embryo had made it to day five again .The nurse on the other end of the line said the doctor was very surprised to see this. I broke into instant tears. The nurse said “At least you made the call to transfer on day three. It should give you piece of mind to know that you have two good embryos back in your body where they belong.” She told me to be positive and focus on the two babies that were already in me. So that is what I tried to do. I tried to remain optimistic despite the fact that the two little embryos we had transferred on day three were the only hope we had left that this cycle would work. This was our last insurance try. Finally, the two week wait was up and it was time for the blood test. I anxiously awaited the call. The call eventually came and my pregnancy blood test was negative. I was so sad. I try to be so optimistic and push forward but that day I just let myself be sad and it felt good. I have experienced defeat in many capacities but never like that.  A few days later I had to meet with the doctor to go over what happened, why it happened, and where we were going to go from there. The doctor said at this point we needed to look farther into male factor. The fact that on both tries everything went great until day three told her that we were dealing with male factor. She said day three is when the sperm has a major role in embryo development. She recommended using donor sperm or getting a DNA fragmentation test.  The DNA fragmentation test is a much more intricate test then the semen analysis. We thought we had fixed the problems with Rex, but we were going to have to dig deeper. We let things settle for the rest of the summer. We grieved together and just tried our best to fill our time with other things and thoughts. 

Eventually we created a new game plan.  We both had an interest in getting a second opinion on our fertility outlook. We had heard about others seeing doctors at the University of Utah and had heard very good things. So, I scheduled a phone consult and since Utah is 6 ½ hours away we wanted to feel it out over the phone first. We spoke with Dr. P and instantly I knew he was someone we could trust. He had a few good suggestions of where to start and instantly had someone call us to set us up as part of a study. This study would require Rex to take a vitamin daily and it would possibly improve his sperm count and function so long as we did not get the placebo, which was a 50/50 chance.  However, regardless of whether it was the placebo or the real deal, we would get paid for our trips to Utah every other month for six months. We also would get free testing, which we desperately needed. Rex did a DNA fragmentation test and the results came back that he had sperm DNA fragmentation. They then requested he get ultrasounds to see if there was a varicocele that could possibly be causing the fragmentation. We found that he had a bilateral varicocele. This means he actually has two varicoceles. They strongly recommended surgery to fix the problem and a few months later we returned to Utah for surgery to remove the varicoceles. This leads us to our current situation. We are currently waiting three months before we have another appointment in Utah to see if the surgery was a success and to, once again, find out what direction we will be pointing our sails in. 

                  A quote that I have read many times says, “Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.”  I think about having a family daily and I will not give up. It has been three years now since we started this crazy journey. I will be the first to tell you that infertility is not easy. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It is truly a roller coaster. We have had many twists and turns and ups and downs. However, I do know that having a sweet little family of our own will be worth every expense, heartache, tear, disappointment and bad day. It will all be worth it in the end. Winston Church Hill once said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand the struggle we are going through now, but someday it will all make sense. I do not know when things will turn out for Rex and I, but I know that if we keep walking in the direction of our dreams we will eventually get there. This has been a character building experience for me. When things get hard you find out what you are really made of. Rex and I have been knocked down a lot in the last few years but as a result we are closer and we are learning how to support each other and be there for each other through the really hard stuff. I have been able to reach out to people and connect on a deeper level. I am more sympathetic and compassionate towards others. We may not get our family the way we originally planned and certainly not within the time frame we had planned but things will change for the better. We also have been able to look around us and take inventory of the many blessings we do have. We have wonderful family and friends. We have our health. We have each other. We also have been able to see God’s hand and tender mercies all through this journey. We really are so blessed.