Looking back on the last three years isn’t necessarily an
easy thing for me, especially when I think of the emotions, anxiety, and
depression I often felt about anything and everything stemming from trying to
get pregnant. It’s hard to explain the
kind of heartache you go through when you feel like you’ve lost something as
precious as motherhood through a miscarriage, only to find that month after
month and year after year that was the closest you had ever been to your dream
of becoming a parent. Most of the time
when I look back on those years, I try not to think about it. Even though I am now seven months along in my
pregnancy, they are still painful memories and reminders of what my husband and
I might one day have to face again.
I started out writing this post intending to simply talk
about ways I coped through the stresses of infertility, and although there are
many things I did find to be helpful, for the most part I look back and think
of ways that I could have coped
better, and how I should have been
more positive. I’m embarrassed to say
there were periods of time during those few years that I mostly just existed-
and I can’t even tell you how grateful I am for a husband who was so patient,
loving and supportive of me even when I felt unable to be more than just that:
existent. And consumed by the one thing
I couldn’t have despite everything wonderful that I did have. There
are many people I’ve known who struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss
that I’ve felt have been much stronger and more positive than I am.
But this is what I’ve
realized:
·
The feelings I have of guilt and shame do
absolutely NOTHING to help me. They
didn’t do anything to help me during those difficult years, when I felt a sense
of failure and embarrassment not only because I couldn’t get pregnant, but also
because I couldn’t overlook my inability to get pregnant and be happy
anyway. And they don’t do anything to
help me now. Please do not be hard on
yourself! And if you find yourself struggling with that like I have, be as
empathetic with yourself as you can realizing that what you’re going through is
hard, and there will likely be times that the best you can do is just to
simply exist. Infertility is a much
harder thing to go through than many people will ever come to realize, and
comments will be made or left unsaid that will leave you feeling like the pain
you feel is more than what it should be.
·
Be careful if you compare your own ability to
handle the stresses of infertility with another’s. There is nothing wrong with admiring someone
and being inspired; however, as much as we think our situation might be similar
to someone else’s, or what they’ve experienced is far worse than your own
circumstance, you might only be seeing a small part of the entire picture. Don’t let someone else’s experience diminish
your own. We each will handle something much differently than another. And that’s okay, because our circumstances,
environment, the support we feel, and our own emotions are unique to us.
·
It’s important to find a source of support. If you are experiencing infertility with a
spouse or a partner, find a way to be a support to one another. My husband was definitely my primary support,
but I found it helpful for us to also have at least one person outside of our
relationship that we could talk to as well.
Whether it be through your spouse, family, friends, or someone you know
that has experienced infertility as well, there is nothing quite like knowing someone
else is understanding of and willing to listen to what you are going
through.
·
Finding something therapeutic to you is
completely necessary, especially when calming the anxiety and depression that
can often accompany infertility. For my
husband, this was soccer. For me, working out, listening to music, and reading books
played a huge role. However, as silly as
this might sound to some, getting two little puppies was more therapeutic than
we ever would have realized when we brought them home! They have definitely been our babies for the
last two years, and snuggling up to them after diagnostic exams, doctors
appointments, blood draws, infertility treatments, negative pregnancy tests,
and long days was always really soothing to me.
And it still is. Find something that can be that same kind of
soothing for you.
For those that are reading this and struggling with
infertility, realize that your situation is
unique and it is hard. I find myself having a lot of compassion
towards you and what you’re going through.
Be patient with yourself and recognize that you’re going to have days
where you might feel strong and at peace, and days or even long lengths of time
where you feel you are barely making it. I’m still trying to ease up on myself
and accept that I did the absolute best that I could. I hope that in some way
my experience is able to help, or at least soothe, some of the distress you
might be feeling in this moment.
