Infertility After My Miracle Baby

 

This is a post that I have really gone back and forth on writing, and I really feel that I have to start it out with this disclaimer. My little girl is now 13 months old and if she is the only child that God blesses my husband and I with, then we are more than grateful for her. She is the best thing that has ever happened to us and more than enough for us. That being said, infertility forces you to look at your future and the future of your family in a completely different way.

At the hospital, when she was laid on my chest for the first time, I could not have been any happier. We had worked so hard for this moment, the best moment of my entire life. For one quick second I remember thinking, “Enjoy this. Savor it. You may not get this moment ever again.” So that is what I did. It took so long to get her here, that I was afraid of losing her. I was afraid to have a desire to want more children, because I didn’t want anyone to ever think that I wasn’t grateful for the wonderful gift that I had already received. Over the past few weeks, I have learned that wanting another child does not mean I love her less or don’t recognize my miracle. In fact, part of the reason I would love more children is FOR HER.
 

To be honest, I didn’t know if I would EVER feel ready to try to expand my family again. Going through infertility the first time was such a difficult time for me. I couldn’t imagine going through the needles, the doctor’s visits, and the stress of it all again. But here I am, 13 months later, thinking that someday my sweet girl would make the most amazing older sister. She is so sweet, kind, and loving and LOVES other kids so much. I can imagine her giving her little brother or sister hugs and kisses, holding their hand as they toddle down the hallway, and fighting over their favorite toys in the living room. I want to be able to give her those experiences, a best friend who loves her no matter what and has her back at all times.

I have always pictured myself having three children, and maybe a fourth if that felt right for my family. However, infertility has forced me to revisit my dream. First of all, can we afford three children? We have two snow babies (frozen embryos) right now. However, I really want to be prepared to fully pay for another round of IVF or adoption if they do not work. If that were our only chance and it failed, I’m not sure I could handle it emotionally. I need to know we are prepared no matter the circumstance. That being said, in order for us to be able to save up enough for that, it will take a while. So, that is what we are doing now. We are saving every extra penny we have, so that if and when God tells us it is time, we are ready. Secondly, what if our two embryos don’t make it? To us, those are our babies. And that will be a very heartbreaking time for us. Thirdly, can I do it? Can I handle the emotional and physical stress of it? Going through IVF the first time, I had no idea what to expect and I think there is some kind of strange grace in not knowing. I feel like I have worked it up even more in my head now, after going through it, and am stressing more than I need to! Depending on the results from our snow babies, if we do need to move forward with another round of IVF or adoption there are so many things to consider and so many different challenges for each situation.

 

I feel like I have grown a lot and feel very differently approaching and battling infertility now than I did two years ago, which I am grateful for. Before, hearing pregnancy announcements and going to baby showers were very difficult things for me. I was so happy for my friends, but I was also desperately sad and jealous for myself. Even after getting pregnant, it was hard to get rid of that feeling. I was constantly having to remind myself that I was pregnant, same as them, no matter how I got there. Slowly those feelings finally decreased. Now, many of my friends are having their second child and I am much more at peace with these announcements and invitations than I was before. However, I still catch myself wishing it were that easy for us. Wishing that my husband and I could just decide we were ready for a second child and start trying. Wishing we didn’t have to figure out how to come up with an extra $20,000-$25,000. Wishing we didn’t have to go through the stress of infertility. It is at these times that I have to remind myself how good God truly is and how grateful I am that we are able to have children. No matter the circumstance, as long as God tells us to persevere, that is what we will do. Infertility is hard, but it is not the end. We will have the family God desires for us, no matter our diagnosis.

- Shauni