Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Coping with the Stresses of Infertility





Looking back on the last three years isn’t necessarily an easy thing for me, especially when I think of the emotions, anxiety, and depression I often felt about anything and everything stemming from trying to get pregnant.  It’s hard to explain the kind of heartache you go through when you feel like you’ve lost something as precious as motherhood through a miscarriage, only to find that month after month and year after year that was the closest you had ever been to your dream of becoming a parent.  Most of the time when I look back on those years, I try not to think about it.  Even though I am now seven months along in my pregnancy, they are still painful memories and reminders of what my husband and I might one day have to face again. 

 
I started out writing this post intending to simply talk about ways I coped through the stresses of infertility, and although there are many things I did find to be helpful, for the most part I look back and think of ways that I could have coped better, and how I should have been more positive.  I’m embarrassed to say there were periods of time during those few years that I mostly just existed- and I can’t even tell you how grateful I am for a husband who was so patient, loving and supportive of me even when I felt unable to be more than just that: existent.  And consumed by the one thing I couldn’t have despite everything wonderful that I did have.   There are many people I’ve known who struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss that I’ve felt have been much stronger and more positive than I am.  


But this is what I’ve realized:


·         The feelings I have of guilt and shame do absolutely NOTHING to help me.  They didn’t do anything to help me during those difficult years, when I felt a sense of failure and embarrassment not only because I couldn’t get pregnant, but also because I couldn’t overlook my inability to get pregnant and be happy anyway.  And they don’t do anything to help me now.  Please do not be hard on yourself! And if you find yourself struggling with that like I have, be as empathetic with yourself as you can realizing that what you’re going through is hard, and there will likely be times that the best you can do is just to simply exist.  Infertility is a much harder thing to go through than many people will ever come to realize, and comments will be made or left unsaid that will leave you feeling like the pain you feel is more than what it should be. 

 
·         Be careful if you compare your own ability to handle the stresses of infertility with another’s.  There is nothing wrong with admiring someone and being inspired; however, as much as we think our situation might be similar to someone else’s, or what they’ve experienced is far worse than your own circumstance, you might only be seeing a small part of the entire picture.  Don’t let someone else’s experience diminish your own. We each will handle something much differently than another.  And that’s okay, because our circumstances, environment, the support we feel, and our own emotions are unique to us.


·         It’s important to find a source of support.  If you are experiencing infertility with a spouse or a partner, find a way to be a support to one another.  My husband was definitely my primary support, but I found it helpful for us to also have at least one person outside of our relationship that we could talk to as well.  Whether it be through your spouse, family, friends, or someone you know that has experienced infertility as well, there is nothing quite like knowing someone else is understanding of and willing to listen to what you are going through. 


·         Finding something therapeutic to you is completely necessary, especially when calming the anxiety and depression that can often accompany infertility.  For my husband, this was soccer. For me, working out, listening to music, and reading books played a huge role.  However, as silly as this might sound to some, getting two little puppies was more therapeutic than we ever would have realized when we brought them home!  They have definitely been our babies for the last two years, and snuggling up to them after diagnostic exams, doctors appointments, blood draws, infertility treatments, negative pregnancy tests, and long days was always really soothing to me.  And it still is.  Find something that can be that same kind of soothing for you. 


For those that are reading this and struggling with infertility, realize that your situation is unique and it is hard.  I find myself having a lot of compassion towards you and what you’re going through.  Be patient with yourself and recognize that you’re going to have days where you might feel strong and at peace, and days or even long lengths of time where you feel you are barely making it. I’m still trying to ease up on myself and accept that I did the absolute best that I could. I hope that in some way my experience is able to help, or at least soothe, some of the distress you might be feeling in this moment.

 - Rachel

 


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