Becca and Zach's Infertility Story

My husband, Zach and I have always wanted children.  We were both raised in happy homes with what I would call exemplary parents.  As I have become an adult, I have developed the deepest gratitude for my Mother(s) and Father.  From them I learned to be hardworking, honest, independent, selfless, and loving.  My heart is filled with joy and admiration when I think about their love, hard work, sacrifice, patience, and examples as I have been molded and shaped into the person that I am.  I hope to be as big of an influence as my parents were to me in teaching those same principles to my nieces, nephews, other youth and hopefully my own children someday.

                  Zach and I were married in May of 2008 and two years later we began our journey to start our own little family.  In the spring of 2011, after almost a year of no luck, Zach and I had some initial testing done to see if there was some sort of infertility.  After all, we’d never thought it would be so hard to conceive.  Little did we know what kind of adventure we were about to embark upon.  Right off the bat, Zach’s sperm had tested poor motility and morphology.  His Urologist put him on a medication therapy in the hopes that in 6 months’ time we may see a change, and we did!  At that point we were cleared to do IUI’s.  When preparing for our third IUI the ultrasound tech noticed a polyp in my uterus.  Without hesitation a surgery was scheduled a week or two later to remove it.  About this time, we received the results of another semen analysis, and to our disappointment the medication had lost its luster.  His sperm were no longer within the parameters of what was recommended for an IUI.  We were told the next step was IVF.

                  We were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  After a consultation with her we were refreshed and hopeful as we learned more about ICSI and the amazing advances in technology and medicine to make such things possible.  I feel so blessed to live in this day and age.  Zach and I decided that this was the best route to take.  My R.E. asked that I do a water ultrasound so that she could get a good look at my uterine cavity.  She also did a follicle count to know what to expect in the coming round of ICSI.  At this time, I learned that I might have a Low Ovarian Reserve in comparison to those in my age group.  My R.E.  didn’t seem to worry about this revelation so neither did I with a limited understanding of what it really meant. 

Fast forward two months later to November 2012 and we were ready for IVF with ICSI.  The process began by stimulating my ovaries to produce several follicles through a series of hormones and medications administered through abdominal injections.  If you were to look at my stomach after the last shot was given in this series, it would look black and blue from all the injection sites.  I had to do those myself, as Zach wasn’t usually home when I needed to administer them.  Ouch is right!  That was something I never got used to.  Ultrasounds and blood work were done on a regular basis to monitor the follicular development.  Once the follicles reach maturity in the ovaries, an HCG trigger shot in the abdomen was done so that they would then be released from the ovary walls in preparation for ovulation.  The doctor went through the uterus and surgically removed the follicles from the ovaries with a special needle through ultrasound guidance while under anesthesia.  Recovery was awful the first go around, my ovaries were definitely not happy.  After this procedure was complete, they inserted Zach’s sperm into each egg hoping for a fertilized embryo.  Once an embryo reaches a certain stage it is then carefully put back into the uterus in hopes that it will attach to the lining.   On average, someone my age would have 15-20 follicles/eggs.  After the retrieval I had seven eggs.  Of these, six eggs had matured and three had fertilized.  Two were transferred back into my uterus on a day 3 transfer. 

ANNNDD there we were; the painful two week wait. I had to continue to take hormones until a pregnancy was either confirmed positive or negative.  Sometimes those medications can cause symptoms that are similar to those like pregnancy, so it was hard to tell.  Leading up to results day I kind of had a feeling that the procedure didn’t work.  My intuition was right; words cannot describe my heartache…. our heartache.  It was like mourning for something we were so close to accomplishing yet still so far from achieving.  We were sad and disappointed but still eager to fight for our dreams.  I think Heavenly Father was gracious to bless me with an optimistic heart.  The last embryo didn’t survive and we were left with nothing to freeze for future use.  If we chose to repeat this process again, it would have to be from square one.  At the close of this ICSI cycle round we reviewed the outcome with our R.E.  My body didn’t seem to respond to the hormone stimulation because of my low ovarian reserve.  This hadn’t been seriously discussed with her until now.  I then learned the seriousness of having an abnormally low egg count for my age.  We talked about other options. Zach and I weren’t sure what we should do. 

When looking for a second opinion, a cousin of mine referred us to Dr. David Richards in Utah which lead us to his partner Dr. Marrs, a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He seemed to have a different approach and more experience that catered well to our infertility needs.  He felt that with the right meds and letting the body naturally do the work, that could make a difference and give us a better shot.  He was confident but very honest.  We could be successful but it was going to be a tough road to take and obviously there was no guarantee.  November 2013 we began our second round of IVF with ICSI.  Dr. Marrs did every single ultrasound and prescribed my meds and hormones based on those ultrasound findings.  This cycle seemed to be going very well and he seemed pleased every time I met with him.   I absolutely loved Dr. Marrs and would recommend him to anyone.  At the retrieval we had nine eggs, this was an improvement from last time!  Five of those eggs matured, in which four fertilized.  Both the grade and quality of these embryos were much higher in this second round of ICSI.  Three eggs were transferred.  Two of the three eggs were of excellent quality.  We reached the point of the dreadful 2 week wait again.  This whole cycle I had felt at peace and was willing to accept whichever outcome came.  The day of my blood draw determining the outcome, caused much anxiety. I was on the verge of tears all day and scared to relive the same results I had received the year before.  Kathleen, one of the Physician Assistants in the clinic that I work for and also a good friend, came in on her day off with news of the results.  She seemed slightly nervous as she took me back into one of the exam rooms where Lori, a close friend and Ultrasound tech at the clinic there, waited.  I couldn’t believe what I just heard.  Not again…….my heart sank and I started to cry.  Kathleen and Lori cried with me.  No matter how much I thought I was prepared to possibly hear “You’re not Pregnant”, turned out to be a false feeling.  I was wrong.  All the preparation in the world could not have made this day any easier.  Thinking about this scenario still makes me feel awful.  After consoling and many words of encouragement, I left work early that afternoon.  I probably have never cried as much as I did that day.  Zach came home after work and brought Café Rio, my favorite.  We talked and he listened and comforted me as it was also hard for him as well.

I’ve never felt so low. Were we meant to be parents? Are there any sweet little spirit children waiting to come down to be a part of our family?  None of these thoughts were true, NOT ONE bit, however that’s what ran through my head.  I now recognize that it was Satan pushing me down into despair because I let him.  The serious trials I have overcome in the past didn’t compare to this.  I had sweet friends call me to give comforting words or drop off yummy desserts to show their love.  This was a hard weekend.  I don’t feel that I lacked hope or faith; I was just utterly confused, weary and sad.  Infertility can be exhausting physically, mentally, and financially.  It’s truly a constant roller coaster of twists, turns, detours, jolts of acceleration and abrupt stops.  I hated feeling the way that I did, this wasn’t me, but I felt so deep under water. That Sunday was the LDS Christmas Devotional Broadcast from Salt Lake.  Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a simple but powerful talk, “Jesus the Christ-Our Prince of Peace.”  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  I think it was written for me.  At that time my heart was overflowing with the spirit and the Savior’s love and I knew that I needed to lay my pains at his feet.  The Lord said, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) I needed to relinquish the hurt and trust in him.  He has been there for me all along and he knew the sorrows in my heart.  What I was going through, the Savior had already felt himself.  I knew that the trial itself wasn’t going to get any easier, but the power to get through it would be increased.  After all, how are we going to learn and grow if we aren’t challenged, even if the task seems impossible.  I definitely think this is a testament of God’s love.  We can do hard things!  I believe this with all of my heart.

It has now been 6 years as we have earnestly tried achieving what we would perceive as such a sweet miracle.  In 2014 we decided to focus on student loan debt and applying for a grant through Pay It Forward Fertility Foundation.  It was an extensive process getting an application together.  After a couple months of waiting, we found out we were not chosen as one of the lucky few out of 100 other couples who would be receiving grant money.  No set back here, we had nothing to lose in the first place.  After such an intense application process that required us to relive past feelings and open up about our journey, I realized how truly blessed we were.  Most couples hit road blocks when it comes to financing infertility.  Some don’t even get the opportunity to even do these costly procedures.  In reflection of our journey I can't help to feel so incredibly grateful to have been able to do all that we've done and how close we have become. Never once have I regretted or felt like it was all a waste of money or time. We have been very blessed and lucky not to have gone into debt for our efforts.  We realize that many couples do have to take out personal loans for the same reasons and have nothing to show for that BIG negative balance they have to pay off.

 Our dreams of becoming parents have not been achieved, but we have gone leaps and bounds and have gotten sooo close.  Even in uncertainty, I know that everything will be okay.  My heart is full, and my empathy for others has grown in a way that I could have been so oblivious to before.  This journey has been both a blessing and a heartache.  It has truly given us the opportunity to learn and grow, and has reminded us of all that we’ve been blessed with even through these hardships.  I am again reminded of the importance of family relationships as Zach and I could not have done this without them.  They have been a support to us in so many ways and more than they could possibly know.  I know my journey in life is unfolding exactly as it should be and even though it has been hard at times, I wouldn’t want it any other way.